Robby Villegas

I remeber Robby from middle school he was one of the nicest boys i had ever met, he was brilliant! I always had trouble in math and Robby was always there to help me out, I wouldnt even have to ask him he would gladly volunteer to help me, i had just recently found him again on facebook, he was truly one of the sweetest people i know he will be so missed….

Robby was one of my first friends when I began work at Wolfram. I just learned of his passing today..on his birthday & Thanksgiving. I’m very thankful for having him as a friend. God Bless.

The brain may die, but I believe one’s mind is eternal. It is our link to the consciousness of the universe, which is a living, breathing Thing. Thought energy, synchronicity, deja vu, dreams; I believe a part of Robby is still with us. Our energy goes on.

I just heard this news yesterday. Ouch. Robby was one of my favorite people at WRI – you could have a nice and engaging conversation with him about Mathematica, and you could also have a nice and engaging conversation with him about the world outside of Wolfram Research. I saw him as soft-spoken but not withdrawn – he followed politics, and when I organized a contribution from WRI employees to Christian Peacemaker Teams in memory of Jerry Keiper, he made a contribution.

I did not really keep in touch with Robby after I left WRI, but I would see him occasionally around town and I was under the impression that he was doing ok. Needless to say, I’m doubly sorry for this news; sorry to learn of his passing, sorry to learn of his torment.

A thoughtful, caring, and gentle soul. I will miss him.

I knew Robby very briefly at Knox college. I believe he was a TA for one of my math classes, and the guy was brilliant. As an 18 year old, I wish I had the maturity to reach out to him more. I also wish now as a physician that I could have met him, have him open up to me, and treat him with the right dose of antidepressants. I wish him peace, and am saddened to hear of his death.

Re: Parking during the Memorial
As Wesley United Methodist Church is on campus, parking can be an issue. The parking lot at Wesley is available all Saturday for us to use. (It has “private parking only” signs, but those don’t apply to people using the building for an event.) However, it is a small parking lot and it is possible we will fill it up. If the parking lot is full, please remember that the parking meters at the nearby street parking *will* need to be paid on Saturday. Those who know campus may be able to find parking in the various University parking lots, as many of those are only rented Monday through Friday. Please read the big blue signs at the parking lot entrances carefully, as I don’t want to cause anyone to get a parking ticket.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention –suicide prevention walks

http://www.outofthedarkness.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=A8B82380-C274-33DA-28241B85F84AEC25

oops sorry posted this in the wrong place – will re-post in the other section.

Words fail me. I was beyond shocked when I heard the news. Robby was an integral part of my time in Champaign … it is virtually impossible to think of one without the other. He will certainly be missed.

I don’t have a lot of coherent words yet, just a large knot and a much larger aching emptiness (and an awareness of what Robby would make of that statement). Here are my only photos of him in electronic form. The hat is Sarah’s, from the day Sarah and John moved into their Hessel townhouse. I think the shadowed one is from The Bread Company, where Robby and I liked to share dinner followed by lemon mousse. In the last one, he’d just put on a purple headband of mine to haul his hair back from his face. All were taken with a several-years-old phone camera, I’m afraid.

Words cannot communicate the profound impact Robby had on my life. He is one of the most loving, whimsical, authentic, brilliant, and beautiful men I have ever known. My heart is in a complex knot of hurt, agony, and pain right now. I wish he had told me how desperate his situation had become. I had the great privilege of dating him a year and having him as a friend. We shared so many similar characteristics and histories, and this bonded me to him for life. I will never forget the tenderness of his heart, his hands, and his soul.

Robby: I don’t know how to say in words how deeply you will be missed by me. I know you are now aware of my feelings of love, loss, and sadness. Forgive me, dear friend, but I also feel some anger as I wish you had reached out. So many loved you. I would have done anything within my powers to stop your suicide, and I know there are hundreds of people whom would have wanted to do the same. Just, please, know I love you. Please feel my love and the love of all the wonderful people who call you friend.

Two days ago, I woke with the sensation of holding your hand in mine. I pray it was real. Your hands were delicate and fine, and I needed to feel your hand that morning after hearing the news of your death. You are loved. The attached picture is one I took of you (as you know) when you visited me in New Mexico. I love this photo. Your eyes are so bright and full of mirth. This is how I wish to always remember you: Tender, funny, brilliant, and loyal. I love you, dearest Robby. Always and forever.

I just recently reconnected with Robby after having gone to Knox College with him. I still remember when I first met Robby. I had taken Calculus in high school and thus signed up for discrete math with Professor Borden as my first math class at Knox. We introduced ourselves (it was a small class and we went in alpha order). By the time most of the class had introduced themselves I was scared out of my mind as I was the only freshman in the whole class. then Robby introduced himself and he was a fellow freshman. I thought, this won’t be so bad. Well, he ended up being our TA as well as taking the class. I worked my ass off but I never would have gotten the B I got without him. Robby was totally brilliant. We went on to be great friends in a very small department. I still remember when I finally came out as gay to him and the rest of my roommates in senior year. I had been sort of backed into a corner but came out. When I was done he said “No Dave you’re a bisexual” He thought I had to have been attracted to women I had lied about it so much. That was Robby both brilliant and assigning the best of motives to people. Like everyone else he accepted me without question. Without him, Ted, Max, Carl, Pete, and Mike I don’t know if I would have made it back then. I just wish I had been there to help him this time.

The world is poorer tonight for Robby’s absence.

Robby wanted to “give some explanation to people in general” and asked me to post this, which he wrote. -Christina

Subject: the end is important in all things

Robby Villegas October 2 at 7:17am

Depression, and even more so, physical exhaustion, continues to claim more and more of my life, to render a larger percentage of each day either unusable, or a sloggin, dragging fight to keep myself upright just to get through the basics of my day. On top of fatigue, a few years ago I began to develop a tendency toward anxiety, which gradually became more frequent and of faster onset, throwing a specter of borderline panic attacks over many of my activities. Eventually, I was taking partial doses of my prescription sleep medication *preemptively* before simple activities like skating class, meeting friends at a bar, going to a theater, or spending an evening studying at a cafe.

The sleep and exhaustion problems that forced me to suddenly quit working in January 2007 have gradually worsened, and I have run out of means at this point.

More important than financial means, though: the ratio of quality of life to pained struggling has passed a threshold. Eventually, I’ll forget what it even felt like to be happy, the memories of what I was will fade further, I won’t be able to appreciate any of the good parts of life, and I’ll be bitter, not even a shadow of my self.

This must not happen. For many years, I have felt that some day I’d have to make that call that it’s time to go; that most of the good stuff was past, and the proportion of hope and new joy to the pain and effort that goes into rallying would fall too low I want to go out while I can still reflect on the good things, and go out really feeling and believing “I lived.”

Worse than the death of the body is the death of pieces of the self while still alive, and the memories that provide conviction that there was a lot worth being here for, while it lasted.

In retrospect, I probably should have made this call last winter, or at the very latest, early summer, given that the last few months have had a marked dulling effect on me. But, two decades of fighting depression, rallying through many dozens of life-hating and self-hating episodes ranging from bad patches to truly close calls, and being thankful I did each time I got a “new lease on life” that was followed by more of the worthwhile stuff of life … two decades of that makes it *intensely* difficult to make that final call.

Albeit more weary and dull than I’ve ever been, I am thankful that there’s enough left of me to look back (even with difficulty) and appreciate all the good people, activities, and interests that made My Life worth living during that time. So it is perhaps not too late to exit while there’s a reasonable amount left of Me.

Yours in truth,
Robby “R. Scott”

Oh Robby, the beauty of your true friendship, the beauty expressed in your photographs, mirror the beauty of your soul, yet reflect the deep struggling intensity of your despair. Rest now, Robby my friend, rest.

Last spring Robby made it over to Danville for a Practice Ice session & it breaks my heart that I was busy teaching and didn’t have more time to visit with him. How often do we miss these precious moments to cherish the life of another… I wish that he could have found enough reasons to make the struggle worth while, yet it pains me to only now find out that he was suffering so.

I posted what I could on my own blog, and linked to here, but, in short:

Robby was a good man. I will miss him. And I hope that he was right, that he is better off now than he would have been.

May your afterlife offer all of the sights and lenses that you may need, my friend. Goodbye.

I last saw Robby last Christmas. I was flying into Midway, and then making the trek down to Champaign. I met a friend in Chicago who dropped me off at the Kankakee Dennys. Robby picked me up there.

Over the next few days we studied in coffeeshops, and walked the trail, just like we used to when I lived in Champaign.

Rest well, friend.

There will be a Memorial for Robby Villegas on Saturday October 16th starting at 2pm at Wesley Foundation Church, which is at the corner of Green & Goodwin. This will be an informal event of friends, family, and coworkers gathering to remember Robby. It will be held in the “Watseka Lounge” at Wesley. Friends will be providing some food/snacks and displaying pictures of Robby and pictures taken by Robby. Please spread the word so that everyone who wants to may attend.

I am so deeply saddened. My contact with Robby was at the ice rink, I could see skating was one of his passions, an outlet, a personal accomplishment. A peaceful soul who was a pleasure to talk with. He was kind to my two daughters who are younger skaters. We have known him for many years at the rink, I have marveled in Robbys commitment to progressing through the level of skating. We will miss his smile and total concentration to his skill. Peace be with you and all who loved and knew you.

Robby’s grandmother Doris Gilmore and my grandmother Irene Gensini were good friends. When I was in 8th grade (1982) I stayed with my grandmother during spring break. At that time, I met Robby, Davey McDonald, Bryan Hagerla, Dana Collis, Valerie Reaves, Jana Reiss, Suzy Hayworth, Carl Roy, and Diedre Ponzer. We all kept in touch and got together 3-4 times a year throughout high school, college, weddings etc. We always had such a great time no matter what we did. It was a group of people that would not normally hang out together always got together when I came to town. He produced some life long friends Robby started all that!

He was always a much better student than I. His honors always motivated me to do better with my own studies. He accomplished a lot after college too with his work at Wolfman research. He was always modest about his accomplishments, but I beleive he did most of the work on a popular program that I’ve used for many years called ACT! – contact management….something that has been copied over and over.

I will cherish all the great memories of Robby.

Robbie seemed to be all together, but low key. In his skating, he looked for positives in his own progress as well as for others. As Matt says above, it’s difficult to comprehend what was going on in that brilliant mind.

A favorite memory: A stunning Dracula at Learn-to-Skate for Halloween.

Oops sorry posted this in the wrong place – I’ll try again.

I was just a beginning adult skater, and I was sooo incompetent, but Robby always had an
encouraging word and a few pointers and a comment about my improvement (even if it would have taken a microscope to see the improvement). Disgusted with my lack of progess, I eventually stopped skating, but I’ve never forgotten Robby or how often he was kind and helpful to me and others at the rink. Some days I’m sure he would have preferred more time working on his own skating, but he still always took the time to help me, and to chat a while, and to skate around the rink for a few laps with me whenever I was there.

I’ll never forget his calm controlled deep edges as he did dance patterns or other moves around the rink – of all the adult skaters out there, Robby’s edges to me were the loveliest works of art – sometimes I would just pull over to the side and watch him. This will be how I remember him, skating those beautiful patterns, completely in control of his blades, dressed in black on the brilliant white ice, swooping confidently around the rink, a joy to watch.

My heart goes out to his family and friends.

Could you please date his pictures?

Robby was one of the first employees I met at Wolfram Research when I started on January 8, 1996. I was working in Technical Support, a department where Robby himself had started with the company several years before. When I transitioned from support to development June of 1997, my first project was taking over TeXSave[ ], a feature that Robby had originally developed.

Over time, we accumulated a large number of conversations on subjects ranging from work (math and computer science) to everything else (women, politics, philosophy, skating, etc.). Sometimes they were impromptu discussions in the workplace. Other times it was during dinners out. I remember us going out for Thai, Italian, and Papa Dels on nights when I had to stay over for on-site visits. I enjoyed his company, and I consider myself lucky to have known him.

He was one of several people at Wolfram who helped shape my views on the design of APIs and the importance of a consistent convention on naming things. In subsequent jobs, I’ve gotten remarks from coworkers on my insistence on good nomenclature. That’s one of the countless ways that he touched and influenced others. And it is through these memories and marks that his spirit carries on.

I learned of his passing a week ago via a phone call from Carl Roy, who introduced me to Robby at Wolfram. I was left speechless, and in many ways it is hard for me to wrap my mind around the grief that my heart feels.

I knew of his battles with sleep. I knew that he had stopped working a couple years ago, but I didn’t keep in touch. I can’t help but feel that by not doing this, I failed him… perhaps holding out the illusory hope that had I done so, that might have rebalanced his life equation so that he would have carried on. I know that in reality, it is not that simple. It never is.

It would be the height of folly to assume that the pain and suffering another endures is always bearable, given the right medication and coping tools. Although medicine has made strides in understanding the causes of depression and other disorders, the diagnosis and treatment is more art than science. Beyond the therapeutic, we all have our non-negotiables. As Andre Kuzniarek so put so well in a prior comment, he did the derivation and determined that these things could not be met.

As his friend, I respect his choice, but deep down I wish that he would have stayed true to his field of study and put his thesis up for peer review before acting on it. Perhaps someone could have offered a rebuttal that would have helped him see another way.

May peace be with you always, \[Villa]

–
P.J. Hinton

I have never been able to put my thoughts in a coherent manor, but Robby could always make sense of them anyway.
I met Robby at a time, where I was admitting to myself a lifetime of hurt, and learning how to turn it into something positive.
We had a lot in common, and we understood each other in our joy, pain, humor, and art.
Even though we parted ways, he contributed greatly to the person I am today.
I thank him for loving me in my pain, and giving me the strength I needed to Grow.
Thanks to Robby and the wonderful circle of friends he connected me to I will never again take my life for granted.
Thanks to Robby, I know I can do anything (like learning to jump in my first year of skating).
Robby taught me a lot of the secrets of how to live.
I wish that Robby’s story was different. I wish he had been able to make more joy of his sorrow.
He fought for a long time, and was a strong and admirable soul.
Robby’s body may be gone, but I find it evident in this site how much of an impact he made in this world.
Though we parted ways, he contributed greatly to the person I am today.
Though we parted ways, he is a reason I am alive today.
Whether or not it is spoken, it is known,
That all of my accomplishments may not have happened if not for the two years we spent together.
I wish Robby’s story was different, but I am thankful that he welcomed me into it, and I know he lives on.
These thoughts may be hard to decode, but I know that now, Robby understands them.
I am thankful for Robby’s time here with us.
I am thankful for his lesson, and friends that he shared with me, so I could live.
Robby lives on.

I met Robby shortly after starting work at Wolfram in 2001. I was a Help Desk whipping-boy. Robby’s Linux box was having video problems and I was asked to fix it. It turned out to be a fairly simple driver issue, but from then on Robby and I would continue to interact…Not cause we had to for work, but because we had common interests.

Robby started occasionally showing up to a local Tuesday-night gathering we lovingly called “Beer Tuesday” at the Office in Urbana, then at Crane Alley after the Office closed. He was always interested to talk to on subjects ranging from photography to politics to computer science and everything in between.

Robby continued to infrequently attend Beer Tuesday after he stopped working. We were always happy to see him. We’ll miss him greatly.

i’m very saddened to hear this.

Robby is one of my best friend, if not the closest who we exchange deep personal feelings.

i met Robby face to face when i was intern at Wolfram in 1995. Before that, we were acquaintances on comp.soft-sys.math.mathematica. He became my personal friend, as well as being my guide to the company, the town, and taught me a huge amount of Mathematica.

after 1995, we have kept in touch most of the time. Last major exchange happened during 2004-2005, when we were exploring the social networking and IM chatting on orkut.com and yahoo etc.

in mid 2000s, he told me about his insomnia problems and stress. Though, i never gussed he’s got depression problems back and so bad. I never have guessed he’d take his life.

Robby is extremely sensitive to stress and pressure. He’s the type of nice guy who find it hard to say no, and when he actually had to, it’s after huge mental struggle.

gosh… what to say, you are dead Robby. We could’ve chatted about language design, porn, problems of life, and so much more. What about your studies of C? and the desire to know more math?

though, i guess after reading robby’s goodbye note “the end is important in all things”, am not sure what to say. Such a engineer attitude. I guess i couldn’t help but repeat “the end is important in all things” too, as Andre puts it “Robby did the math”. Yeah, the ending is important, but this ending doesn’t seem to be a good one.

thanks to robby’s family & friends for this page. I miss robby very much.

Xah

I’ve only just stumbled across this news.

I only met Robby once but some people leave an impression more than most.

Like many Mathematica users I had Robby’s “controlling evaluation” tutorials pretty much on tap when first learning mathematica. Fast forward a few years and I spent 3 months at WRI in 2001, a long way from home, but one night went to a party for WRI employees that was on at his place. I was keen to meet Robbie given how formative his tutorials and posts had been in my mathematica education. Our discussions about language design were some of the most illuminating and profound I’ve ever had – I remember thinking at the time – how is it that this guy’s ideas aren’t better known? – I guess this just showed what a humble guy he was.

I’m surprised at some of the tributes saying what an “extremely keep-to-himself” person he was because the other thing that has always stuck in my mind was how friendly and welcoming he was to an out-of-towner.

Really sad to hear this news.

There is a chill in the air today, and the smells of autumn filled my mind with thoughts of Robby.